Control Issues

I had a revelation over break. It seems like something I have realized before, but when you see the issue in different situations, sometimes it can seem completely new. Its the difference between being organized and prepared and being a control freak. Which can also be the difference between obedience and sin. Surprised? Let me show you what I mean...

When I first thought I was expecting, Maria commented on my Facebook about how this would be THE most planned baby ever. It was spoken in love and obviously meant as a joke, but those words haunted me ever since...Especially when we learned we were not expecting at all.

I consider myself a highly organized person. Even when I am not organized, I feel guilty about my lack of organization. I enjoy planning ahead. I had my wedding mostly planned at age 5, remember? :) I never saw it as a problem. Its not really, but the issue I'm speaking of is when the planning becomes The Plan and the control of The Plan becomes something we hold onto.

Planning for a rainy day is being a wise steward. Preparing for guests and family is part of being "a Proverbs 31 woman". Making goals for the future helps us see how our actions today affect our lives down the road. TELLING GOD "this is my timeline", "this would be the ideal time", "I can't do that then"...That's essentially telling God that you know what's best for you regardless of what He has planned and if He would work with your plan your world will be rosy because you have it all planned out.

I know. It doesn't sound half bad. We all like knowing what's coming. We can think of "ideal" times for such things as marriage, babies, college, a job change, etc. I look back on my life just a few years ago and it looks "ideal". I went to college right after high school, got engaged right before my senior year, got married right after graduation, bought a house, and settled down to live happily ever after. And while I HAVE the happily ever after when it comes to my MARRIAGE, it certainly doesn't seem to be going the way I thought it would! For one thing, I expected a job that I still do not have 2 1/2 years later. I used to cry and ask God "Why? Why can't I have a classroom and students of my own?" Now I know the answer. God said "Not now, there's something you need to know first". Jeremy and I can both attest to what we have learned through it. Dependence. On God especially and also on each other. We would not make it without God's provision. We are not self-reliant. We look back now and say "Wow, if you had had a job when we first got married we probably would have the new car, the new computer, the dining room set, etc...But we would have done it all on OUR OWN. We wouldn't be spending our time praying and thanking God for providing what we need. Sure we might thank Him, but it wouldn't be nearly the same. It would be like a child thanking a parent for a Christmas gift they expected versus thanking someone for a check in the mail that was completely unexpected and just at the right time.

I'm losing my focus, so here's the main thing I learned. In August I TOLD God "Looking at my calendar, a summer baby would be best. August and September wouldn't be great, especially if I'm starting a job..." And I started planning ahead accordingly. Last week I told God "Who am I to tell You what to do? You know the desires of my heart--of our hearts. I trust You and YOUR TIMING with my job situation and with our family. If You say "Yes", I say "yes, Lord". If you say "Not right now", I'll say "yes, Lord" (though I know it will be hard). "YOU are God, I am not, and that's how it SHOULD be. Put me back in my place."

So now I am working hard to truly live in the PRESENT and not keep planning a future I have limited control over. It's very freeing actually. It can be quite stressful to plan for something you really have no control over. :P

And that's what I have learned about control. Hope its an encouragement!